Hyperventilating, a deep pulsing ache burns through the chambers of my heart, through my lungs, crawling over my skin.
My knuckles turned white, pressed between my teeth, then over my knees, to my sides, back to my teeth.
I sit, knees to chest on the floor trying to figure out how to breathe again. Suffocating as the thoughts in my mind, remind me that nothing will ever be alright.
Thoughts... deafening from the world around, the room that feels like its getting smaller, sinking in, I hope it won’t force me to lay down, coffin bound.
I open my eyes to reassure myself that I am not 6 feet below, but seeing triggers another thought,... rods, cones, processing electrical signals in my brain communicating what i see here into there and some people cannot see, and the deterioration of those cells will leave me not being able to see. And all my cells will begin to die, withering away, and then what, what happens when…
I see you, I feel your hand on my face, your voice breaks through the thoughts.
Anxiety only takes a break for you to hold me.
Intertwined, whether I am curled up next to you while you read to me or laying in bed listening to your heartbeat and the rumble your voice makes when you speak.
I listen, no need to speak in a place you are already heard.
I watch. Tracing the edges you, where you end and everything else begins.
I remember every detail, so when eyes close, I can find you. I can see you.
You, piece by piece, reconstructed to move through my dreams,
And here, too. So no matter what state I travel to, your energy remains.
Magic, eye contact that never fails to spread a smile across your face,
Mesmerized in your brown eyes that see through any wall I try to build, you pull me in without a touch, vulnerable without force, you see me.
The small parts that adore goats, pictures ,cotton candy.
How you’ve bought all three thinking they were too small to be gifts, learning nothing is too small to me.
You, the greatest gift ever given and forever giving.
The butterflies you bring to my skin,
The panic you chase away as you massage moisturizer through my hair,
The peace you bring as you burst into laughter at my corny jokes.
The pixie dust you pour over everything in my life, a marvel of magic.
You found me, bringing me from panic, to peace, to pixie dust.