Anonymous
Content Warning: This poem contains references to sexual assault.
He seemed surprised to see me
I had told him I had to go meet a friend
Yet he saw me there on the street
He was headed out
Excited about the night ahead
I had no idea where I was going
I just needed to get away
I kept walking and walking
The April air filling my lungs
The rise and fall of my chest reminding me I was alive
But I felt so foreign in my skin
I could still feel the places where he touched me
The spots where his fingers grabbed me seemed burned into my being
I kept walking and walking
I told myself I was okay
The pit in my stomach was hunger, not despair
It was late but not late enough
I sat alone
Staring down, saying nothing
Feeling everything, replaying everything
How the hallway looked different leaving than it did coming
How I knew things had happened on that floor
How I knew things had happened on that bed
I kept walking and walking
I took my body somewhere it always felt safe
But even my designated refuge couldn’t protect me from my mind
I said no
It worked until it didn’t
I said no
He listened until he didn’t
Was it my fault?
I couldn’t cry, the tears wouldn’t come
I wanted to believe nothing happened
Do you want me to kill him?
I wanted to forget anything had ever happened
But my skin kept crawling
I was wearing my favorite outfit
But I couldn’t help but feel ugly
And maybe I asked for it
And maybe I knew better
But I said no
And it didn’t matter
The next day I had act like nothing happened
The performance I put on was worthy of applause
But there he was in the audience
He found me after I took my bows
And congratulated me on a job well done
I looked him in the eyes and thanked him
I could tell he thought I was grateful for more than his praise
Not even my father could save me
I told him nothing was wrong
And I kept walking and walking
While all my friends gathered in fellowship
I turned instead to isolation
The disgust, the shame, the guilt overwhelmed me
What did I expect going to his room at night?
I just wanted to watch a movie
But now I watched the scene of what he did to me over and over
How he got on top of me
How he forced his lips on me
Maybe I wanted it
Maybe I led him on
But I said no
When I told my best friend she started crying
I tried to shrug it off like it was nothing
But my skin was still burning
And soon my eyes were too
She told me it wasn’t my fault
I wanted to believe her
I still want to believe her
But I went back
I think I wanted to reclaim my power
But really I just relinquished more of it
I lost my mind in the process
I lost my self in the uncertainty
They say healing isn’t linear
But all I see are parallels
The many similarities between the things they tell me are not okay
And the things that he did to me
The darkness reminds me of that night
He seemed surprised to see me
But now I think he never saw me at all